the Zone, the Cooler Cleanse, the Carb Lovers Diet and other trendy weight loss programs. I have a plan that really works: The Foot-in-Mouth Diet.
The inspiration for this new diet came to me one night a couple weeks ago at a friend’s birthday party. I was an hour late--due to the combination of a blown fuse, a cat leap/broken glass incident and a paralyzing case of clothing indecision (which frequently strikes me in the summer when I am feeling a bit over-ample in the upper arm area.) By the time I arrived at the party I was flustered and completely out of sorts.
I headed for the food table, eying the Brie and what looked like some very fattening meatballs. When I got there I greeted a woman I had met several times in the past but had not seen for a while.
“And how is your husband?” I asked her, after the initial pleasantries were over. I began reaching for a meatball.
Suddenly I had a bad feeling, as if all the air in the room had turned to poison gas. It was then that I remembered with horror that the husband had left her the year before--for the daughter of someone I knew! The worst part was that the woman who was now standing in front of me with a frozen look on her face knew that I was acquainted with the woman who had stolen her husband.
“OH! -- Oh god, I’m so sorry. I….didn’t……I....I guess my memory must be going the way of your husband,” I heard myself saying with a failed attempt at a laugh. (It was really more of a bray.)
Right then I lost my appetite. I excused myself and moved away from the food table and never went back. I nibbled on some celery and nuts by the bar, and drank two glasses of white wine. Hmm, I thought to myself. Keep this kind of thing up and a person could really lose some weight.