8/23/10

The Foot-in-Mouth Diet

Forget the Zone, the Cooler Cleanse, the Carb Lovers Diet and other trendy weight loss programs.  I have a plan that really works: The Foot-in-Mouth Diet.

The inspiration for this new diet came to me one night a couple weeks ago at a friend’s birthday party.  I was an hour late--due to the combination of a blown fuse, a cat leap/broken glass incident and a paralyzing case of clothing indecision (which frequently strikes me in the summer when I am feeling a bit over-ample in the upper arm area.)  By the time I arrived at the party I was flustered and completely out of sorts.

I headed for the food table, eying the Brie and what looked like some very fattening meatballs.  When I got there I greeted a woman I had met several times in the past but had not seen for a while.

“And how is your husband?”  I asked her, after the initial pleasantries were over.  I began reaching for a meatball.

Suddenly I had a bad feeling, as if all the air in the room had turned to poison gas.  It was then that I remembered with horror that the husband had left her the year before--for the daughter of someone I knew!  The worst part was that the woman who was now standing in front of me with a frozen look on her face knew that I was acquainted with the woman who had stolen her husband.

“OH! -- Oh god, I’m so sorry.  I….didn’t……I....I guess my memory must be going the way of your husband,”  I heard myself saying with a failed attempt at a laugh.  (It was really more of a bray.)

Right then I lost my appetite.  I excused myself and moved away from the food table and never went back.  I nibbled on some celery and nuts by the bar, and drank two glasses of white wine.  Hmm, I thought to myself.  Keep this kind of thing up and a person could really lose some weight.

1 comment:

  1. This poor woman obviously did not yet have enough distance on a tragic turn in her personal life and so just couldn't manage a laugh. You, at least, tried for one, and after all, if we can't laugh in the midst of the world's "blood and pain," as the Buddhists say, we're just lost.

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